Could this be depleting your time and energy?

Hello Everybody,

Following on from my previous article, where I introduced you to the Judge, today I'd like you to meet the 'Pleaser'. The 'Pleaser' is a common behaviour in many of us and when it's working in our favour, we have a drive to help and be of service to others. When out of balance and going into overdrive, it's because the pleaser is being fuelled by the need to gain acceptance and affection from others.

Typically this behaviour can be recognised at work in the following ways:

• having difficulty saying 'no', taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed
• giving too much of your time away to others so that they become overdependent on you - this often means you end up doing less of your own work and having to work late to play catch up
• you lose sight and neglect your own needs which can lead to exhaustion, burnout and resentment.
• you are regularly rescuing people
• you flatter others for approval and acceptance

Does any other above resonate?

Whilst we may think helping others is a good thing, which, of course, it is, doing it too much disempowers others and reduces their ability to take ownership and think for themselves. Where team members end up being overly reliant on their 'Pleaser' manager, the net effect on the team will, over time, diminish their levels of confidence and ability to think for themselves; this is because their manager has been doing it for them. Being a very directive manager has a similar effect. Often I hear managers complaining about their teams ineffectiveness and it's because the manager has inadvertently and unconsciously been slowing disempowering them by their please other behaviours.

If you're feeling exhausted, taking on too much and unable to say no, consider if you might be running the 'please others' programme which has become hardwired into your brain circuitry. The great thing about our brains is that they are pliable and we can reprogram our minds to serve us better. I have coached managers to bring their 'please others' back into balance where the impact has been:

• being able to say no and deal with pushback
• refocusing on their own needs and wants and being able to ask for what they want with confidence
• having conversations to help their teams to rebuild their confidence and trust in their own abilities
• improved management of their schedules and protection of their time rather than constantly giving it away
• increase their own energy levels through reduction of stress and overwhelm
• being helpful because they choose to be versus being pulled by their need for acceptance

The antidote - give yourself more self love, value your own needs, time and energy. Trust that other have more resource and capability than you might imagine.

I hope you found this article helpful - I'd love to hear your comments. I used to have a strong 'please others' which is mostly under control but occasionally I fall prey. Suffice to say, that's OK because we're human beings and it's fine to go off piste now and then.

Debbie Connors is a professional coach and works with retraining our mindsets to achieve better outcomes, increased mental health and wellbeing and success in our lives. She works with managers, HR, employees and leaders across many different sectors. You can contact her at [email protected]

#managers #leaders #wellbeing #hr