Do you recognise this?

As human beings, we naturally have many strengths and areas for development. However, when a strength is over-used, it can become a weakness and sabotage our efforts. Similarly, we have developed ways of being which drive certain types of behaviour. When they get out of balance, they create inner turmoil for ourselves and those with whom we work or hang out with. In this series of articles, I'l be sharing different behaviours which are driven by our 'inner world' and how they typically show up at work. The first one I want to introduce you to is 'The Judge", which, for the purpose of this article, I'll be referring to as a 'saboteur' because at it's worst, it sabotages us!

The Judge

The judge is like the master saboteur. We see 'judging' comments all over social media that can turn into pure vitriol. We've all read about the need to stop judging and be more curious - that's easier said than done as it is so hardwired into our circuitry. The judge in us is always finding fault with ourselves, others and situations - it tends to produce a win-lose outcome where you either feel like the 'superior' one or the 'unworthy' one. The judge also serves to activate other saboteurs which I'll be covering in later instalments. The judge usually causes many negative thoughts and emotions including anxiety and stress. Shirzad Chamine, who has written about this in his book 'Positive Intelligence' explains how the judge operates:

Self: Badgers self for past mistakes or current shortcomings.

Others:  Focuses on what is wrong with others rather than appreciation. Gets into inferior/superior comparisons.

Circumstances: Insists a circumstance or outcome is “bad” rather than see it as a gift and opportunity.

At work, the judge shows up in the following ways:

• makes inaccurate assumptions and assessments about people and situations leading to stress and anxiety
• poor assessment of others causing conflict in relationships
• poor decision making and limited thinking ability based on perceptions over fact and real time data
• feeling arrogant around other people

The 'judge' is strong in all of us. Some of our professions can feed the judge even more, certainly in HR we can be very 'judge and jury' and over the years, I have had to learn to suspend judgement in order to be an authentic coach. Whilst it will never leave me, I am in control of my judge (most of the time!) rather than the other way round. Interestingly, Shirzad states that as humans we have

A bias towards noticing, exaggerating, and reacting to the negative is a central survivor strategy. 

It reduces our chances of being surprised and harmed by unanticipated dangers to our physical and emotional survival. 

Because of this key function, the Judge is the universal Saboteur shared by all, regardless of circumstances of our upbringing. 'Shirzad Chamine'

As I said before, the judge in us is strong and, therefore, requires strong practice to tame it so you become its master instead of the other way round.

The Antidote

It is definitely worth learning to take control of the judge because it will lead to increased happiness and peace in your life and healthier relationships. The antidote is to practice being curious instead - when you realise you're being judgy, reframe the voice in your head or out loud with "Isn't that interesting......" or otherwise invest in a good coach!

I'd love to hear your comments, do you recognise the judge in yourself and others ? What do you do to curb your judge?