Want More Love? Read on.........

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

It's the day to intentionally express your love for that special person or people in your life. 

Whether or not you’re into Valentines Day, I thought it could be fun to write about love, more specifically, how we can express love at work through acts of kindness, appreciation and gratitude.  Goodness knows, we could all do with a bit moof that right now.  But first, I wanted to share what I know about the subject whilst I've been on planet earth. 

The Love Bit

Love makes the world go round. It always has and always will. To love another - a partner, a friend, a parent, a child, makes you feel whole, lovable, warm, secure, providing a fusion of wonderful feelings. That’s why everyone wants love - it makes you feel good.  I mean, what else is there if not love? Anything else is 'non-love' which doesn’t even come close.  

But here's the paradox. Whilst we want more love in our lives, we’re pretty damn good at keeping it at bay. Those primitive survival instincts to protect against 'pain of death' (from a sabre tooth tiger) still rages strong in our DNA. This means we respond in a similar way to the threat of 'pain of love' that results in shutting ourselves off from deeper emotional connection. This habitual way of 'being' becomes us and defines the quality of our relationships. If you want deeper connection and healthier relationships, you have to be willing to feel the 'pain' as well as the 'joy'. You have to be open to 'do' something different and cultivate 'new' practices in how you relate to your 'Self'.  The question then is this - how do we have the courage to feel what we don’t want to feel and develop the compassion that allows our hearts to open.  I’m no expert but I’ve found that 'falling madly in love with your 'Self'' is one of the best ways of finding greater connection with others – 'as within, so without'. Deepak Chopra, (medical doctor, spiritual teacher, author) explains this simply in his article "5 Steps to Love" where he states, 

"Make the Search for Love an Inward Search"

He goes on to say,

The one you love may turn indifferent or worse. The problem here is a kind of illusion. When you take someone into your heart, it's like filling a hole inside. If that person should spurn and reject you, suddenly the hole reappears as a terrible ache.

Yet the hole was always there, and only you can fill it permanently.

Ultimately, the inward journey is about finding your own fullness, something that no one else can take away

Deepak Chopra

From my own experience, when you learn to love your 'Self' unconditionally, warts and all, that’s when the magic happens – 

• You become kinder and compassionate and as a result, less critical, diminishing and judgemental of your 'Self'
• As you become more loving and less critical of your 'Self', you judge and criticise others less. You are naturally drawn to see the best in people 
• As you focus on the best in others, other people show you that self same care and kindness 

In knowing these benefits why would you want to resist? It can positively turn someones day round and if we go a step further, love towards self and others can help dissolve the disconnection, stress, anxiety and fear that exists in many workplaces right now.

Intentional Acts of Kindness

Valentines Day is an international celebration of love and we can use this day as a reminder to be kinder and loving to our colleagues at work. Life is tough during this pandemic. As we get lost in our jobs, working are under pressure and feeling 'zoomed' out, it's easy to forget and neglect checking in on our colleagues or people in our wider network. I know this because it happens to me and other people tell me the same.

In order for acts of kindness be become a regular part of who you are, you have to be intentional about it. Like most things in life, if you want more of anything, you have to work at it, practice it until it becomes natural, like driving a car and then you reap the benefits.  The invitation then is to practice ‘doing’ love by way of appreciation, kindness and gratitude.  We say ‘spread the love’ because acts of kindness are contagious and so it spreads!

Where do I start?

Not where but when.  Start now.

Recently, a person I work with sent me flowers with a note saying "I'm doing great". The flowers arrived out of the blue and I was deeply touched by the gesture. Another colleague called me an 'angel' - wow! Whether you think its true or not, always accept the compliment. Thank you my friends! So start with your family and friends if it makes it easier and then move on to your boss, people in your team, your peers and colleagues, people in other departments, in your wider network and especially make a point of connecting with people who you don’t normally talk to. Even if you just do this exercise once, it will be worth it. And I promise you, it will bring as much joy to you as the person receiving it. Its a gift!

Here are some ideas: 

• Phone someone in your network who you haven’t spoken to for ages 
• At your next meeting, thank your team for being awesome, for their energy and resilience during these challenging times
• Send a text to someone who may be having a tough time – ask if they’d like a cuppa over zoom or meet up for a walk
• Ask someone how they're doing and really listen
• Tell someone how much you value and appreciate their hard work, commitment, good humour

NOTE – you must do this unconditionally and not expect anything in return.  There is a saying that 'what goes round comes round' – when you put out some goodness into the world, it comes back to you in other ways and often tenfold!

A few years ago, a company I know sent cards to their staff.  The team leaders wrote a card for each of their team members and stated one thing they really 'valued' about them adding a chocolate heart to the envelope.  This went down a treat – it gave people feedback, it got  people engaged and laughing at very little cost.

The Flip Side 

The flip side of doing acts of kindness is that although it doesn’t cost you anything, it does require 'giving' a bit of yourself – your time, your thoughts, your willingness to be vulnerable.  I know that for many, this can feel uncomfortable and depending on your age, even a bit uncool.  Some of the most common excuses I hear against spreading the love are; 

• It’s embarrassing 
• I don’t do emotion 
• It’s weak
• What if I get rejected or ridiculed 
• What if it comes out the wrong way 
• No one ever gives me appreciation 
• My team knows that I appreciate them 
• I’m too busy

These excuses show up as thoughts or voices in your head. But your thoughts are not the truth. There is a saying that 'the truth will set you free' - if those thoughts were the truth, they are certainly not setting you free – they are holding you captive. 

I know this because I have used most of theses excuses myself.  Early in my career, I rarely practised acts of kindness to my colleagues or team members - it was about getting the job done, being effective and that people came to work to do a job.  And on the few occasions I did say something nice, the words would get stuck in my throat and I sounded like a cat being strangled. That was then.  I now control those voices in my head (most of the time ) and my life is far more enriched for it. 

If you want to bypass those limiting thoughts swirling round your head and do your bit for Valentines, follow these tips:

1. don’t take this activity or yourself too seriously – you can overthink things that leads to analysis/paralysis. Just do it and see what happens
2. if you're not used to expressing your feelings, like it's an alien thing to do, it doesn’t matter, start today – it's not about you suddenly becoming an emotional or gushing human being – it about expressing yourself in a way that lifts and energises others - that’s all there is to it!
3. It's possible that people will think you're being a bit weird if its not your normal thing to do. And that's OK! To get past this, you could give some context ie, if you're calling someone out of the blue, you might say "I know we haven't spoken for a while, but your name popped into my head today for some reason and I thought I'd give you a call and say hello"etc, OR, if you think it might affect your street cred, just say something like, "yeah I know it’s a bit weird, but hey, enjoy it while it lasts".

On a final note – loneliness, disconnection and lack of appreciation are some of biggest social issues on the planet today. The power of love, appreciation and kindness is hugely underrated.  We all need more love to make the world a better place and we need more people to spread the love. Your words and actions have the power to change someones world for a moment, an hour, a day, a month or even a lifetime.

On that note, I leave you with a poem from one of my favourite poets, Nick LeForce ([email protected])

All The Love We Need

It is funny to me:

how we have to learn

to love what we love.

And each day, little by little,

we learn better. Until, one day,

like magic, we realize we have

all the love we need

in the love we give.

We are the only ones

that can answer

our craving for love.

I have spent my whole life

learning this one little thing.

And now to practice it.

Happy Valentines Everyone

Sending you lots of Love

Debbie